“No discount for you.”

Something felt off in that response. In fact, I was ready to give in, give up until the “for you” part of the response struck me as personal. I thought maybe it was because I booked through Agoda, but I had moved the booking to the hotel and paid extra for an upgrade, so that didn’t make any sense to me. And I was in Sapa, Vietnam, where discounts and special offers are quite normal, so the response didn’t fit with what I had been experiencing.

Many other hotels had offered me spa discounts, and one hotel even tried to bargain with me for a room upgrade. So I was trying to make the situation make sense, because from my perspective I was asking for something reasonable. I hadn’t gotten the spa treatment I reserved, and I wanted some consideration for that. Even an apology would have been enough to shift how I felt in that moment.

Deciding how I was going to respond

So I was standing there, deciding how I was going to respond, and I could feel that decision forming while I was still in the interaction. I don’t always respond the same way, and that was part of what I was aware of. Sometimes I let things go, and sometimes I stay in it, and I could feel both options available to me. This time, I didn’t want to let it go, but I also didn’t want to be seen a certain way.

I was thinking about how I might be read, as a Black woman, assumed to be American, and I didn’t want to fall into either of those. So I was trying to be very measured in how I responded, choosing my words carefully and paying attention to my tone. I wanted to be clear, but not aggressive, and firm, but not escalating the situation. I’m not always sure where that line is, but I thought I was making the right choice in that moment.

It wasn’t just about what I said

I was staying in my body and deciding in real time, and I could feel how much attention that required. It wasn’t just about what I was going to say next, it was also about who I was going to be in that interaction. That felt just as important as the outcome, maybe more. And I could feel that I was making that decision as I went along.

I’ve been noticing this more

I’ve been noticing this more, even in small moments where nothing major is happening on the surface. There’s still that same internal process, where something feels slightly off and I have to decide quickly what I’m going to do with it. Do I say something, or do I let it go, and what does each choice mean for me. Sometimes I notice it right then, and other times I only see it after.

There are moments where I’ve already decided how I want to take things, especially when it comes to curiosity. Curiosity is okay to me, and when I see someone who is different from me, I notice it too without assuming judgment. I don’t think acknowledging difference is a problem, I actually think it matters, especially when I think about visibility, justice, and equity. In those moments, I don’t have to decide from scratch because I already know where I stand.

The cost of each choice

But there are other moments where I do have to decide from scratch, and those are the ones that stay with me. I can feel that I’m choosing in real time, weighing how much energy I have and how much I care about what’s happening. I’m asking myself if I want to stay in it, if I want to push, or if I want to let it go, and none of those options feel neutral. Each one carries something with it.

I don’t think it’s always about getting it right, and I’m not sure there is a single right way to respond in these situations. Sometimes I’m okay with how I handled it, and sometimes I’m not, but I notice it either way. That noticing seems to matter more than the outcome, because it’s what I carry forward.

What I’m learning from it

Over time, I’m not starting from zero every time, I’m building a sense of what feels okay to me and what doesn’t. And even with that, it doesn’t make it easy, because each moment is slightly different and asks something different of me. Being gracious is hard, and pushing is hard, and letting things go is hard in a different way.

So I’m not trying to make this simple or resolve it into something clean. I just want to be aware that I’m choosing, and to be able to live with that choice after.

A small invitation

The next time something small happens, something that feels slightly off, you might notice that moment where you’re deciding what it means and how you want to respond. You might notice whether you already know what you want to do, or if you’re figuring it out in real time. And you might notice, after, how that choice sits with you.

Join the community

If you want a place to explore these questions more slowly, with other women who are thinking about solo travel in this season of life, you’re welcome in the Skool community. It’s a space to talk honestly about what comes up, without pressure to be brave or get it right.